I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
