I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
