I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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