ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
