Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
