my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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