I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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