Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
is wine microwaveable?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
