he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
