You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
