We won't sleep together?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
