You just made me feel so damn special
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i will never coherently bang her
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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