she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
