I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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