Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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