I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she smelled like a LAN party
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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