Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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