They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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