Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
