i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
