this beer tastes like vomit already
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
