I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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