Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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