hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
babies were throwing up all over the place
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Randomize
