i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
