it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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