alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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