i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
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