Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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