I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
