Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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