We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
