I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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