yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
