At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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