Apparently you make a good broom.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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