If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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