R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
