I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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