He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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