we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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