Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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