So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
