you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
this hospital has no fireball
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
