In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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