sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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