There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
