Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
