I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
