Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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