Already got asked if we're dating
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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